


Betrayal

by wintersoldierswhore



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, F/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels, steve rogers fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2019-10-04 08:26:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17301233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersoldierswhore/pseuds/wintersoldierswhore
Summary: Two friends fell for the same woman. What if she had to choose one?





	1. Sketchbook

**Author's Note:**

> I am warning you, this story has heavy angst and creepy behaviour do not read it if it can trigger or upset you.

You found Bucky’s sketchbook when you tried to find a bandaid in the quinjet and couldn’t keep your hands away from it. It was impossible for you to simply look away. In the first few pages, the sketches were all about flowers. Then there was you and your face, your neck and hands. You remember posing for him, back in the days. He insisted for you to pose even though you were extremely shy. You passed your sketches in embarrassment and found the most private ones. Originally these were all yours and Steve’s cute, couple moments but Bucky placed himself right next to you, trying to rub down Steve from your life. “Oh god,” you mumbled to yourself. Bucky was the one with you when you were having breakfast, in the morning runs, when you had cuddling sessions on the sofa. He was the one reading your favourite book when you took a nap, your head resting on his legs. He even drew your first kiss. The opposite of reality. He stole your memories with Steve and used them as he pleased.

Your stomach turned upside down and you threw to book across the room, feeling furious. In that sketchbook, the cold truth was hidden. These were all the things Bucky rejected to do with you. You could’ve had everything in that book with Bucky but he passed you to Steve as if you were some kind of a disliked gift, an object with no value. He pushed everything you offered to him with the back of his hand. You sat down and thought about that day. The day it all started.

“I liked being alone,” you lied to Bucky when he found you after you ran away from the compound. Your little runaway lasted for a week. You climbed to the roof when you saw Bucky in the bar of the hotel. It was naive of you to think you could actually run away from him. “I slept all day long and only woke up for food. Never realised I could just do whatever I want to before,” you were trying to stall him from talking about that. You knew what he was going to say and you knew you were not strong enough to handle it. “I never realised I could just have it my way,” you kept chattering.

The truth wasn’t even close to this. This was the most miserable you’ve ever felt. You kept crying and wishing you never met Bucky or Steve. You would rather move to another continent and disappear than to experience this. These past days were you trying to shake off your trauma, not enjoying your solitude. And you both knew that very well.

Bucky shot a smile at you, not looking at your eyes. Since that night, since he said what he said to you, he avoided looking at your eyes. He didn’t know if he could let you go if he looked in your eyes.

“I am not here to talk about this,” he pleaded. It felt like his voice was coming from another universe, so distant and far away.

“I don’t want to talk about what you want to talk about. Isn’t it obvious?” you asked with boiling rage. “Why do you think I run away Bucky?!”

“I want him to be happy more than I want to be with you, okay? His happiness is more important to me than my own.” 

“Bullshit,” you answered, the wind making a mess out of your hair. “So you really want me to date Steve?” you pushed his buttons. You wanted him to tell the whole truth. No implying. The bare truth. You wanted him to be hurt like you were. You wanted him to taste his own poison. He didn’t get to walk away as if nothing happened. Bucky needed to be hurt, to console you.

He nodded. “He deserves love more than I do,”

“Bullshit Bucky,” You started walking away and flipped him off when he called out your name. “If that’s what you want, I’ll do it.” you yelled at him, “I’ll do anything for you.” whispered to yourself. 

The relieve in Steve’s face told you that Bucky didn’t snitch them that he found you. Steve reached out and hugged you as soon as the elevator doors opened. “I was so worried about you Y/N,” he said, he pushed you little far away and checked you for any injuries. “Are you alright?”

“Do I look alright to you?“ 

He looked so concerned. He was always so attentive but today he was aware of how fragile you were. He was walking on eggshells, doing exactly what you needed. Steve wasn’t someone you could hate. He was charming in every meaning of the word and so much more. Caring, lovable, trustworthy. He wasn’t someone who would hurt you on purpose. 

“Always.” he smiled proudly, knowing how smooth he was. “Do you want to talk? What happened?” 

“Life,” you answered and sighed. “Nothing that I can’t fix.” 

Being the perfect guy that he is, Steve looked at your eyes that are full of tears, he pulled you into a tight hug again. He was rubbing your back with one of his hands to hush you. You felt so calm and safe in his arms. It felt right and wrong at the same time. His sincerity and genuine concern made you want to cry more. For days. You wanted to cry for him, for yourself and for Bucky. You didn’t want to fall between them and you surely didn’t want to break your own heart like this.

“Steve, if you keep being so nice to me I’ll keep ruining your shirt with my running mascara.” 

“I have no idea what mascara is but feel free to ruin my shirt anyway,” he assured you, his hands were slowing down on your back. Steve liked being the one who comforted you and felt guilty. He didn’t want you to be sad yet he was happy to be there for you. "Do you want to tell everyone that you are back or do you want to hide for more?” Steve asked. The state you were in was saying everything he needed to hear but he was kind enough to ask.

“Can I hide just a bit more?” you whispered to him and he pushed the button, “You can hide in my room,” Steve answered. “Can’t you do anything that isn’t all perfectly thought?” you asked and sniffed, wondering how bad you looked but you didn’t have the strength to face the mirror.

“I am not even close to being perfect Y/N,” Steve led you into his bedroom, away from where others would search for you. He would like to tell you more about how he was falling for you unintentionally. He didn’t even have control on his emotions anymore and he was frightened that he would push you away. It was not enough for him to just be your friend. He wanted more. He needed more. More of you but he was thoughtful enough to save you from the burden of his feelings for now. That was not the right time. You were not ready.

"You can use the bathtub,” he said, taking off some clothes for you from his drawers. “You can stay in here as long as you need,” He wished you would never leave even though it was too early for both of you to live in the same room. Steve just wanted to skip the beginning of this relationship he wanted with you and come to a phase where you were comfortable with him. He looked at you in worry when you hesitated to sit on his bed. He didn’t know it took Bucky a month to show you around his room. You weren’t used to being let inside that easily. It was frightening and soothing at the same time. 

“I assure you there are no thorns on my bed and it’s perfectly safe to sit and sleep,” he tried to joke. You smiled and sat on his bed. 

“You don’t have to be this nice to me,” you gave him a choice to back off. Steve was kind of a guy who would help others even though it wasn’t good for him. 

“I want to,” he answered, slowly opening up the door. "I want to be so much more to you,” he said to himself when he shut the door behind. He just wanted to be more.


	2. Unpleasant Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A confession that broke everyone apart.

The usual response to a love confess would be “I like you too,” or “I am sorry I don’t feel the same way,” in the movies but all you got was “Steve likes you,” and you would prefer being rejected. You must’ve been so out of your mind for not sensing this before -you thought to yourself after leaving Bucky on the dinner table by himself- you didn’t realise how he never even seen you, he didn’t even consider being more than ‘just friends’. He was indifferent to your confession. “Bucky didn’t like you so much that he used Steve as a bait,” you said to yourself.

He was one of your favourites in the compound. It was always so easy to be with Bucky. Some days, you just both sat next to each other in silence. For hours. There was a comfort in being silent yet not being completely alone. You were both in your own minds, thinking and finding out some answers you’ve been looking for all your lives. Separately but also together. He was trying to adjust to the real world after coming back from Wakanda and there was a new world outside for him to explore and you were willing to guide him. You both learned a lot of things on the way.

1) Bucky found out that he didn’t like pineapple on his pizza. 2) Steve liked you.

Bucky made pasta tonight for two of you after the movie. Normally, this would be considered a date but with someone else but with Bucky, you never knew where you were standing. He kept you close yet you always felt so far and you didn’t want to push him. He had an invisible armour around him and he was known to kindly keep people away. Whenever the conversation got serious, he closed himself and started answering everything with one-word sentences. “Yup,” he would say or just “True,” he would answer. This was his way of saying “You are getting too close and I am not comfortable,”

But two glasses of wine you drank that night you really felt like pushing him a little.

Just a little.

“Bucky, there is something I wanted to tell you for a long time,” you eased him into the conversation after beating around the bush. He was like a wounded deer and you didn’t want to scare him off but you’ve had enough with the space talk. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I just want to get it out of my chest. I think I like you,” you paused for a second and breathed in. “More than a friend,” you confessed, you breathed out. The air froze down in the room, you felt the cold in your bones. Bucky didn’t look at your face and your heart clenched. He wasn’t feeling the same. He was not going to give the answer you hoped for. This was a mistake. This was not what would happen in those movies.

“Steve likes you,” Bucky blurted out and you tried so hard not to spit the wine to his face

“WHAT?” you demanded an answer and didn’t get a proper one. He wasn’t even looking at you. “That’s your answer to that Bucky?”

Not “Yup,” not “True,” he said his best friend liked you. This was not him being scared of intimacy, this was him not liking you back.

He refused to give an answer again. After expecting him to look you in the face for minutes, feeling humiliated and sad, you grabbed your phone and left the compound. But you only knew Steve liked you and you had no clue why Bucky said that to you, at that moment. Maybe he found you repulsive or childish? Maybe he was not ready for a relationship? Maybe he just didn’t want you that way. Whatever the reason is, you felt humiliated. Angry. You always hoped he liked you back, maybe a little less than you liked him but you were not so sure anymore.

In reality, Bucky liked you, he really did, but he wasn’t the guy who was comfortable in his skin anymore. The fact that he didn’t know if you would push him away after his confession made him shiver so he kept it quiet. He was okay with being friends if it meant that you would still be close to him. Bucky could hide his feelings for sure if he could keep you.

He first started feeling this way with a sight of you in the garden. He was digging up the soil with his hands when you kneeled and ruined the hole he dug. “Hey!” he warned, pushing you a little away with his arm and you couldn’t balance your body and fell on your butt and started laughing like crazy. He looked at you, under that sunlight, giggling like a maniac and something snapped in him. This was a vision he would like to see all the time. Your skin looked so soft, so touchable, he grabbed a handful of soil to stop his urge.

Also, Bucky liked how you kept messing with him even though he tried to scare you back a couple of times. The mischievous side of you was making him feel at ease. You never gave up on trying to make Bucky laugh because he was living inside of his mind. He either kept getting lost in thought during movies or taking short trips to his past while eating so you tried to keep him in the present by keeping startling him and it was hard. Bucky was trained to be careful and to hear what no one does. You were walking on your tiptoes to surprise him every time and he liked that. Sometimes he pretended to be scared even when he felt your presence. He heard your heartbeat, your breathing but he kept sitting his bed and waiting for you to run out of his closet. It made you feel helpful like this little jokes were working on him to make him better and he wasn’t intended to make you feel otherwise.

He always appreciated your efforts on distracting him and one day, he wanted to do the same. Bucky knew you were not feeling so great so he paid a visit to your closet, he was glad that you were fond of tons of clothes because he wouldn’t fit regular closets, and he started waiting. He expected your heartbeats and your breathing but it was someone else. “Steve,” he whispered to himself, recognising his best friend’s shoes from the ajar door of the closet. Suddenly the closet started feeling really small. Steve was wondering in your room and practising how to confess his feelings towards you. This closet was really small for Bucky. He tried to stabilize his own breathing. “Steve likes her too,” he thought. That thought was like a knife on his chest.

“So Y/N, I really like you and I would like to take you out on a date,” Steve mumbled and huffed in regret. He was not so sure about this anymore. Steve was a brave fighter, great skills in combat, intelligent and everything but he was a huge mess when it came to you. Dealing with feelings was harder than he thought. “I can’t do this,” Steve said to himself and left the room. After Steve, Bucky rushed out of the closet and collapsed on the floor in seconds.

He knew he wouldn’t compete with his best friend. He knew he wouldn’t watch his best friend’s heart getting broken. And Bucky surely wouldn’t build a relationship on Steve’s misery. So he got up, straighten up and decided to keep his feelings inside. His feelings didn’t worth breaking Steve in half. If it would take him to close himself more, he was willing to do that for his friend.


	3. Interruption

Steve’s room was brighter and bigger than yours. He had a king size bed with four pillows, two white nightstands with white lamps and brown&white curtains. And for some reason a red carpet. If you didn’t know him any better, you would believe that he picked this furniture. The only thing in the room that had Steve’s taste was his bed, big and comfy. Just like he is. It felt like a cloud than a bed, so comfortable and so easy to get lost in it. The room was so high in the building all you could see was the sky when you laid down and you were not complaining. Your eyes didn’t want to see any buildings nor humans. Witnessing the life passing by without you made you unhappy and watching the sky as you laid down there, you felt like the shock and despair were slowly fading away. You were not feeling uncomfortable, invading his room like this.

Neither did Steve. Even though he didn’t sleep in his room for the past two days, he was happy. He liked that you were comfortable in a place that actually belonged to him. He peeked through the door to watch you sleep. Even when you were sleeping, you had a serious face expression. He could feel the tension on your jaw. You were clenching your teeth. He sighed and sat on the bed wanting to reach you. To touch your face, to caress your cheek as you laid down in his bed. He hated seeing you like this. Steve wished he could read your mind so that he could heal you where you were wounded. But this, you laying there, felt so domesticated. Disgustingly domesticated.

Meanwhile, you yawned and tried to change positions when your leg crashed to something stiff. You kicked it twice to get it out of the bed, thinking that it might be something belonged to Steve. Since he was a bookworm, it might be a heavy, boring, history book. You knew he came to the room without making any noise sometimes and you got up immediately thinking that you might’ve been kicked the food tray Steve left while you were sleeping.

“Ow!” Steve exclaimed and got up from the bed with the second kick. “I didn’t know you could kick that hard!” he said and started rubbing his back, exactly the point where you kicked him.

“Hey!” you said, shooting an apologetic smile. All you could think was how bad you might’ve been looked. You were one of those people who wake up like

Grinch and got mildly normal looking during the day. “It’s rude to creep on people when they are sleeping, Steve,” you whimpered.

You tried to get up and sit on the bed but it was so warm inside. The outer world seemed so cold and cruel. You tucked yourself in and put the corner of the blanket under your chin.

“I wasn’t creeping on you, I was waiting for you to wake up,”

“Sitting on the bed and watching me sleep sounded like being extremely creepy to me,”

“Believe it or not, I don’t have eyes on my back,” Steve said and sat on the bed, where you can’t reach to kick him again. “And I just realised, you really look like a mess when you wake up,” he pointed your face and hair.

You started fixing your hair in panic and he started grinning to your reaction. To avoid having bobby pins pricking into your head, you started letting your hair down while sleeping and so far, it made your head look twice its size. That really was not a sight to see yet Steve was enjoying your rush. He liked making you panic, you were panicking because of him. So far he could only make you laugh and this time, he watched your reaction. You were reacting to him. He was delighted.

“I am sorry I woke up like a real person and not like a Barbie,” you mocked Steve, you were sure that he woke up just like this, completely and utterly perfect. Amazing light brown hair, a soft skin and he sure smelled like a baby. You both had the same perfume on you now since you took over his life.

“Believe me I’ve seen worse,” he said, not realising what it meant. Yes, he dated other women before but he wasn’t implying that. “I mean, erm, on the mirror, every morning,” he tried to explain, he was the one who felt flustered instead of himself.

“Yeah, I already knew that you were such a sap,” you pointed. He was only a sap because you never let him get closer to you. Steve was old and he didn’t have any games like people had these days but he would try for you. He wanted more but he didn’t know how to get there. He huffed and seemed in some kind of a trouble. “Stop with the puppy eyes and spill whatever you hid in your mouth, Steve,” you tried to make him talk. Maybe he wanted you to leave his room? You’ve been a guest for two days now and you knew he had to move his stuff for you. He was compromising for you, unlike Bucky. You remembered him and it felt like a punch in the chest and you were glad that Steve was not looking at you.

“I don’t think you should hide anymore,” he said, watching his hands, interlocking his fingers to each other. “I think you should come out,”

“Is this a way of saying you want me out of your room?”

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. “This is a way of me saying that whatever you are hiding from won’t disappear when you hide in here,” he crossed his arms on his chest. A wrinkle of his hair was falling to his forehead. After going through everything he had Steve was still so soft and attentive. You felt how he chose his words carefully and tried to keep an eye contact. Unlike others. God, you didn’t want to think about him but your mind kept showing you his face to you at the most inappropriate moments.

“So you want me out of your room at the end?” you hugged his blanket hard to distract yourself from thinking about Bucky.

“Yeah, geez take your ass out of my room,” he said, pulling the blanket from the corner of it. He was stronger but your grip wasn’t giving in easily.

“Language Cap,” you warned and pulled the blanket harder.

“This is my room and I can say whatever I want Y/N,”

“Can I say a bad word then?” you said, pulling the blanket to save from his hand. “You deserve a bad word for this,” you tried to break his grip but damn that super-soldier serum.

“No,” he pulled the blanket completely and left you in the cold. “That’s my rule in my room. Only I am allowed to say bad words,”

“And only you are allowed to leave a poor young woman without a cover in this cold, cruel world,” you whined and walked on your fours to get the cover back when the door busted open. “Stev-” Bucky said and froze like a deer in the flashlight. He was holding the doorknob and you were still on your fours and you knew how this looked like. Yet you were not going to fix this misunderstanding.

“Would you knock?” you scowled and got the blanket back from Steve, he was as shocked as Bucky.

“She was just hiding here,” Steve tried to explain. You were in your biker shorts with one of your large shirts and Bucky felt like he had seen that shirt on Steve before. So, you were fast. No, he had no right to be jealous. He wanted this. He wanted to want this so bad. Bucky pushed you to here. “Until whatever that secret thing passed, she had to sort out in the outer world,”

“Yup,” you said, covering your body and getting comfortable on Steve’s bed again. This was not a war that you started but you were determined to finish. “This is my safe haven now. I am hiding away from my troubles,”

Bucky was surprised that you hid in Steve’s room. This was the last place he would expect you to be. Yet, it wasn’t really surprising, considering he asked for you to be with Steve. 

“We had a meeting,” Bucky ignored you and talked to Steve. “Everyone is waiting for you in the meeting room to find our little runaway friend,” He turned to you now. You felt like you were getting smaller and smaller in the bed. “Nat’s been really worried,”

Steve looked at two of you to figure out why there was a tension. “We’ve all been worried,” Steve continued where Bucky left off. He was about to start a research mission for you if he didn’t think you ran way on your own. Steve needed you to be safe, wherever you were.

“Only thing we should be worried about is Nat right now,” Bucky wanted you out of that room. And the bed. He didn’t like you getting comfy in his best friend’s bed. God, he was so stupid to think he could stand you being a couple with Steve. Stupid. “She is anxious and furious and if you don’t show up any minute she will break your bones when she finds out you’ve been hiding here,”

“I am not worried about anything except Steve’s hoarding habits, I was cold here,” you whined, trying to make Bucky feel unwelcomed. He was unwelcomed. He needed to disappear for you to focus on Steve. If you didn’t see Bucky, it would be easier. It had to be easier.

“Anyways, I am going to tell her that you were here all this time,” Bucky said and left the room reluctantly. He had to stop himself from coming and sitting between you and Steve yet he knew had no right to. Bucky was the dumbest of the dumbs. He regretted that night, he regretted finding Steve in your room. He regretted that he thought he could handle seeing you with another man. At that moment Bucky wished he had a time machine to take it all back. But he was too late.


	4. Confrontation

It was hard to change your habits and it was killing you to live like Bucky didn’t exist. Whenever he walked into the room you were in, you tried to get busy but feeling his presence more than ever. It was love that made you ignore him, everyone could see he was there if you didn’t look that corner. He just sat on it when you suddenly jumped from the couch to get some water from the fridge.

You felt his presence more than ever and avoided with all you could.

Bucky was walking towards you when you saw him, your back on the wall, hugging your legs. Your knees didn’t carry you so you had to sit down and try to calm down. He had no right to mess with your life like this. You said what he asked from you and you wanted to do it. Steve was more than you deserved and you were happy. Yet, one mistake by Bucky ruined your balance. He ruined everything.

“What were you thinking?” you rose up to your feet and threw the sketchbook to his chest. It hit to his chest and fell to the floor. Bucky knew that the book belonged to him but he still prayed that it wasn’t. “Don’t be mine, don’t be mine,” he mumbled under his breath when he kneeled down to take it from the floor but you were faster. You shook the sketchbook to his face. “What the fuck this means Barnes?!”

“Why did you go through my stuff?”

“I did not! I was looking for a bandaid and it was there,” you showed him your bleeding finger and you could swear you saw a worried look in his eyes, it passed like a lightning bolt. Sparkly and instant.

“So you mistook my sketchbook to a bandaid?” he tried to stall you so that you could calm down. Bucky saw you angry before and none of them was close to how you were now. Ever movement of your body radiated heat everywhere.

The truth is Bucky only brought that sketchbook with him because he didn’t know how long this mission would last and he needed a distraction from everyone. Especially from you and Steve. You had Steve. Bucky had nothing. He lost your friendship before he lost his chances with you.

Bucky was watching your relationship with Steve flourish. How you learned about Steve’s favourite movie, how he figured out you hated mushrooms. You hold onto Steve more than you ever hold onto anything. Bucky was at the rock bottom, totally alone. So he placed Steve with himself. It was for his imagination, for his own heartbreak. What hurt the most was he brought this to himself, he was such a coward, thinking that somehow Steve’s attraction meant more than his own.

Whenever Steve found Bucky the conversation led them to you and he had to sit there watch his best friend talking about you. Bucky sat on his own bed listened to your quirks that he noticed thousands of years before Steve did.

“She is so ticklish man, you would not believe,” Steve said, his eyes were sparkling with joy and affection. Bucky knew that. Bucky had a tickle fight with you when he pinned you to the floor after watching the baseball game that night. This was only hurting him more and he was feeling more and more guilty. His feelings, the way he pushed you, how he can’t be there for Steve, how he doesn’t feel mildly happy about Steve’s happiness. His happiness hurt Bucky. Well, everything hurt Bucky. More than anything, the way you acted like as he didn’t exist felt like a stab in the chest.

“She just is obsessed with strawberries, she doesn’t accept it but her closet is full of strawberry shampoos and shower gels and she even has a strawberry perfume. It’s kinda creepy but also cute? I don’t know,” Steve said rubbing his beard another time, not knowing that Bucky has planted strawberries to his garden for you. He was taking care of that plant just for you. After you ran away, he found the plant shredded. It was you who tore that plant apart. You needed a payback, after all. He should be grateful that you didn’t put his all garden on fire. When he was in there.

“I opened it to see if it was related to the mission,” you lied after staring at him hard. He knew you lied. You were never good at lying but he found how convincing you could be when he watched you kiss Steve. How delicate it was and then how passionate it got. He only realised there, you were not bad at lying to Steve because you were not lying. Bucky was getting what he wanted from you. On his face, like a slap. “You wanted this Bucky, you have no right to be in pain,” you whispered softly.

“I didn’t want this, I thought I wanted it but I didn’t,” He looked at you like you were a full course meal. He had to look at you. It was not a will, it was an obligation. Since you started to get serious with Steve, you avoided Bucky with all your might. This was the first time in a long time that he was alone with you. He felt like devouring just the sight of you. He scanned your body, your ponytail, your hand gestures when you spoke. You were on fire. He missed seeing you on fire. It was better than not seeing you or running to the breakfast table to see you. This was so much better than seeing you cuddling with Steve and watching Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.

This was better than any attention he was getting from you lately and Bucky thought it was funny. You two were every shade of fucked up. And he was to blame.

“You wanted me to want this. You asked for this, you have no right to get creepy and draw yourself to the place my fucking boyfriend has,”

Boyfriend. That was the worst thing he ever heard you say. Bucky preferred f-word. F-word would do, but boyfriend? It hurt like hell.

“I know,” he answered. Bucky didn’t have anything meaningful to say. He felt like he owed Steve all his life. His new life, actually, after Wakanda. Steve saved him and gave him a new chance in life. It wasn’t fair for both of them to fall for the same woman. It also wasn’t fair that you had to give up on the man you liked, loved because he was a jackass who thought it would be okay for him to watch you swoon over another man. You were happy. You were with Steve. Bucky was out of your life. Then, he really wasn’t. “But you really wanted this, didn’t you?” he hissed at you. “I watched how you melt with his touch,” he whispered. “You really liked it, didn’t you?”

You grabbed the book from his hand and started hitting his chest with it. He had no right to creep back to your life like this. Bucky was messing with your head and heart. “If you really wanted me you wouldn’t be a puddle each time he called out your name,” he blamed you. He fucking broke you and he blamed the one thing kept you in one piece. You walked onto him and hit the book as hard as you could to his arms and his chest. Your strength was nothing compared to his yet you wanted to hurt him. More than anything. He held both of your wrists and made you walk backwards until your back hit to the wall. “We are not going to make out just because you are subdued me,” you hissed back at him. You would rather die than cheat on Steve. You were feeling guilty enough about hiding what twisted thing you had with Bucky.

“I was not thinking about that,” he answered, licking his lips as he watched yours, the tension between you two was changing its form and you hated how he could manipulate you in seconds. He could manipulate your feelings, made you think about why you were angry at all.

“If you don’t let me go I will kick your balls, Barnes,”

“No you won’t,” he said, grabbing your wrists harder. He was about to lean into you when you kicked his crotch with your knee. “I would and I will if I ever see you watch me or even look at my direction. You lost your right to mess with my mind when you passed me to Steve on a plate like I was a piece of chicken. You. Will. Stay. Away,” you said. He was whimpering in pain and holding his crotch when you left the jet in tears. After all this time he could still get under your skin. It felt like you didn’t have protection when it came to him. He was like a storm who kept ruining everything you built.

“I am ready to shoot some bad guys,” you yelled to your friends and your boyfriend who didn’t see the tears in your eyes.


	5. Piggy Ride

“Do you want me to walk to your room?” Steve asked after Bucky left.  "To protect you from the wrath of Nat of course,“ he added with a coy smile.

"I would doubt you can protect me from her,” you said and just after you finished your sentence, Nat barged in with a furious look without a knock at the door. Her blonde hair was curled perfectly and her hands were on her hips. “WHAT THE FUCK?” she asked, letting everyone in the city know that she was angry to you. She was furious. You thought she would break your bones with her head like a bull. Bucky didn’t waste any second to get you out of Steve’s room and he was behind Nat, smirking to your misfortune. You were the softest one among them and Nat could literally crash you with bare her hands. Bucky would love to see you suffer and preferably out of this room.

“I AM SORRY!” you exclaimed when she started to walk on you, Steve closed the distance with you and hid you behind his broad back. “Hey now, no need to fight Nat,” he warned the angry woman walking towards both of you. He couldn’t say he wasn’t intimidated, Steve was scared of her too.

“This is between that liar and me, I was worried sick!”

“I swear I have a solid reason. I was not feeling okay,” you confessed. “I just needed a break from everything, that’s why I ran,” you confessed. Steve turned his face to look you, he was worried again. Even though he didn’t push you to open up, he wished you would talk to him like this. Steve wished he could make you talk about what troubled you with the sight of him like Nat did.

Nat had this effect on you. Since you both didn’t have a family, you were both maternal to each other. In other words, you were both scaringly protective females. Nat melted with your confess and sat on the bed, pushing Steve away with one hand. She was strong. Emotionally and physically. Bucky was still watching you over the door and you just wanted to flip him off.

“What is bothering you so much, baby?” Nat asked as she hugged you tightly. This was what you needed. To be touched. To be comforted. Even though Steve did the best he could, he would never touch you as Nat did. Nat was the one who pulled the wax out of your vagina, she could touch you however she wanted. Steve was more like “I am scared that I will touch to the wrong place,” kinda friend. Nat wouldn’t give a damn if she broke one of your ribs right now.

“Nothing important,” you lied, looking directly to Bucky. Steve cleared his throat. “We will leave you be,” he said, pushing his best friend out of the door. “I wanted to watch Nat kicking her ass,” Bucky whispered. “THAT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN BARNES!” both you and Nat yelled at him at the same time.

“Is it because of him?” Nat asked, meaning Bucky after they left. She saw your private area yet you were hesitant to show her inside of your head. It was private. And the more you opened up to others more likely that you would get hurt. But it was Nat. She would kill for you just like you would do the same for her.

“Mhmm,” you confirmed and dug your head onto her shoulder more.

“Wanna talk?”

You shook your head. “I just want to hug it out,”

“I can hug you all night,” she said, grabbing your cheeks with both of her hands and holding your head tight to look into your eyes. “If you run away once more I will slap your boobs with a tennis racket when I find you,”

“You wish,” you said, nuzzling your nose to her neck again. You sat there until she dragged you out of the room. Bucky was sitting on the couch reading a book and he liked seeing you out of the room what he didn’t like to see was when you jumped Steve’s back, wrapping your arms around his neck. “Thanks for trying to protect me from her,” you said to him as he grabbed your legs up. He was giving you a piggy ride. Disgusting. “I know you were brave but facing an angry Nat? You surprised me, Steve,” you laughed and Steve enjoyed the vibration of your chest on his back.

“I will drop you to the floor if you keep mocking about my bravery,” he threatened, lowering you to the floor. “Have you seen the way she looked at you in the room? I swear I thought she was going to shoot you,”

“We both know you are too nice for that,” you answered, giggling. “Also, I am pretty sure she would hurt you more if you dropped me,”

“I would kill you if you drop her Steve,” Nat confirmed. She had your back, she just needed to pay more attention to protecting you emotionally. “Play nicely with her,” she said, implying the fact that you just had a breakdown in front of him too. You wanted to have a break from your life here so whatever was going on with you, it was in the compound, among the Avengers, maybe. Steve nodded and Nat disappeared into the hallway, not even looking once to Bucky. She didn’t know why and how he broke your heart but it was a good reason for her to just be mean to him. She couldn’t wait for him to be alone so that Nat could bust his head open. She didn’t like not having you around. She didn’t like not knowing where you were. Nat didn’t like that Bucky made you run away from them. They all needed you here. You were the only one kept all of them entertained on the missions, acting like your job was a regular job like everyone else’s.

“Do you need a ride to your room?” Steve asked as he twirled around with you on his back.

 _“_ Why, thank you,” you answered. “But are you sure you can handle me grandpa?” you flirted, it was so inappropriate for you two flirt right now, thinking that your private areas were touching to his back yet you didn’t stop yourself. He turned around himself once more and more fast this time and you grabbed his neck tighter.

“You will be sorry that you said that” he threatened again and before he started running he turned Bucky to say “I gotta go, Buck, duty calls,” Bucky nodded without looking at you two but you felt his piercing eyes on your back as Steve started running.

“Slow dooown,” you whined. His grip on your naked leg was too tight because he was really frightened about dropping you. He giggled and shook his head. “Who is the grandpa now, huh?”

“Ow!” you faked a pain, acting like you bumped your head to the door frame. He slowly let you go on the floor and turned to face you. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” he asked, trying to remove your hands from your head. He inspected and tried to look a sign of blood but there was nothing. You grinned to his face and he huffed. “I got you,” you said implying how you scared him.

“Yeah, you did,” he answered softly, meaning how he was falling for you more and more each second as you walked into your room. Steve decided to go back to the living room to spend a little time with Bucky but then, he never had a serious word with you these days. You always changed the topic and joked about how you were feeling. This was a coping mechanism of yours. Whenever things got serious, you became extremely sarcastic and funny and no one realised something was wrong with you because they were all busy laughing.

He knocked on the door, scratching the back of his neck. Steve was not good at getting close to you and he was scared about holding a serious conversation with you. What if you wanted to joke it out?

“Hey,” you said breathing heavily. “I thought I just saw you like a second ago?” you tried to joke again. He looked troubled again just as he looked before he told you to stop hiding. “Did I forget something in your room? ” you asked when he still didn’t talk. He was just looking at you with a frown.

“I just,” he began and took a breath. “If you want to talk, I wanted you to know that I am here,”

“I can see that you are here, I am not as old as you are,” you joked again.

Steve sighed. “Can you be serious for a second?”

“Captain’s orders,” you answered and saluted him terribly. Steve was worried and you didn’t want to worry him a second longer. You both deserved to be free of Bucky’s intentions and plans.

“Whatever you are going through, you are not alone,” he held your forearms in his hands. “I am there for you, Nat is there for you, Bucky is there for you,”

Bucky was not there for you. If he was, he deserved a kick on the shins. But you were not focusing on him, you were focusing on how Steve wanted to make sure you were okay. That you didn’t feel secluded or lonely. You nodded. “Thanks for being such a great guy,” you reached on your tiptoes to put a kiss on his cheek.

He was still there, touching his cheek in shock where you kissed him even after you got into the shower. “You really got me,” he whispered to himself before walking into his room. “You really did.”


	6. Tangled

“You know why I feel angry towards you?” Nat asked Bucky when she caught him off guard in the morning. She was waiting for this moment for the past two weeks and he was half asleep. Bucky couldn’t understand why Nat was torturing him like this. He shook his head. “You only like what she provided to you. A shoulder to cry on which was attached to an attractive body, you have zero interest in her personality,” Nat explained to Bucky why he should just let you go. She watched you and him circle around each other for months and she knew he wasn’t worthy of you but you were head over heels to see the truth. “Naive,” she thought about you. “Too naive for her own sake,”

“You don’t know that,” Bucky answered, he was getting pissed. Everyone was picking on him these days. He didn’t deny that he made a mistake but did he deserve this much punishment? He already lost the most valuable thing he could’ve lost, Nat couldn’t break his heart more than that. Bucky was immensely in pain. “I like her, hell maybe I love her,” he confessed. “You can not know how I feel when I didn’t even know until just now,”  
  
“I know what you are all about Barnes,” Nat poked his chest with her finger. “If I ever see any other drawing of her in your room,” she pointed the drawing with her other hand, Bucky didn’t except guests in his room for sure. “I will burn your room down when you are sleeping in safe and sound,” she looked at his face one more time and slammed his door. She could clearly see what Bucky was after. His feelings got stronger when Steve picked you up and gave you your joy back. Bucky had you wrapped around his finger and he didn’t like watching you move on, he was getting competitive over a living person as if you were a prize to be won. Nat gagged with the thought. If he had really liked you or loved you, he would let you go, he would not creep over like this when you were recovering from him, she thought.   
  
“Great,” Bucky murmured, trying to fix his hair in the bathroom. “I didn’t need sleep anyway Nat, thanks,” he said to himself. From now on, he was going to be on alert, sleeping with one eye open. Either way, he spent last night drawing a portrait of you when you were playing cards with him on his balcony before he messed everything up. Bucky wished he had a photograph of that moment, that was the happiest he ever felt with you. And he ruined it and it led to ruining his daily life. Sleeping? _What was that?_  He sighed and washed his face with cold water, trying to wake himself up from this nightmare.

 

* * *

  
Meanwhile, Steve was trying to figure out what did you want from him. You always were friends but he always had a glass wall in front of him. He could look but not touch but lately, you were getting closer and even if he was not complaining, he was scared of this. The way you get attached to him made him think if it could be temporary. He was scared that one day you would wake up and feel good enough to ditch him. Was he your band-aid? He hoped not. He could be your safety net for a long time of period but not just a band-aid. He mentally slapped himself. “Stop getting so attached,” he thought. “It’s too early to think about that,”  
  
“We should go see a movie in the theatre next time,” you yawned, arching your arms up in the air. “I want to watch a movie and not clean the kitchen afterwards. Also, we need a new sofa, this one is so not comfortable,”  
  
“It’s only uncomfortable because you were laying on it for the last 7 hours and you never clean up anyway,”  
  
“Excuse me because I had to pick a good movie which wouldn’t make you cry your eyes out Steve,” you mocked him. “And, I do clean up, see?” you took the bowl of popcorn and brought it to him. You couldn’t help but think of how he cried while watching My Sister’s Keeper. And the Green Mile. And Hachiko. When you made him cry in the first one, you pushed him with the other two and he cried. Especially in Hachiko. Steve was not ashamed of his emotions but he threw a pillow at your face anyway. “Those movies were really tragic, okay?” he said. “Hachiko waited for Richard Gere until the day he died, that’s so sad,”   
  
“Why do you feel like throwing things to me?” you whined, rubbing your cheek in pain. “I am being nice to you,”  
  
“I like throwing things at you or just throwing you to things,” he stated, cleaning the coffee table you made a mess on together. “Because you really deserve it,”  
“Words can hurt, y'know?” you answered and started rinsing the dishes. He was standing to the counter watching you, his hands were placed on it. He didn’t look like he could escape from an attack. “But pillows hurt more and water hurts the best,” you throw a glass of water to him but he dodged it. “HOW?! you asked in shock. He was there in one second and not there in the other. This was like the scene in Twilight when Edward save Bella from the truck.   
  
"You are so lame,” Steve said, grinning like a true presumptuous. “I can dodge bullets, what is a glass of water, huh?” he said, pushing you away from the dishes with his arm. “This is not playground kiddo,” he grabbed the glass from your hand placed it into the washing machine. “Also you never clean dirty dishes so I figured you had ulterior motives,”  
  
“Stop reading me so damn well,” you wiped your hand to the towel. “Can’t surprise you now, can I?”  
  
“Only if you don’t pick a bloody movie. I would be surprised if you choose a decent movie. No serial killers. No slaughters. Ok?” he asked, trying to make his dreams come true. Steve wanted to be that guy who took you out on a date. A decent date without Texas slaughter, hopefully.  
  
“No blood at all? What are you, 7?”  
  
“The scary movies you like are not realistic, so let’s just watch something else,” he wiped the counter and washed his hands. Why does everything he had done look so familiar? You were already getting used to being close to him and it didn’t scare you. Being close to him was almost calming. Steve would rather eat his own arm to see you hurt and you knew it better than anything but you didn’t want to rush anything. He deserved to be flirted and wooed. You were not doing this to get back at Bucky. You were doing this because Steve was making you feel the butterflies in your stomach.  
  
“You will regret saying this,” you challenged him, taking your phone out to choose a cringy romance movie. “How about romance?” you asked, looking as innocent as an angel. He nodded. “I will take you from your door at 6 then,” you said and left you alone in the kitchen, cleaning the mess you made. 

 

* * *

  
Time passed by faster when you had a date. Nervous and not knowing what to wear, you spread your clothes all around your room. “Just pick a jean and a shirt,” Nat said, looking indifferent and trying not to jinx your date night. You were finally healing and she was supporting that but she was not sure if this was the right time for dating with Steve. Your love life was getting more complicated and she hoped things would work out.  
  
“Easy to say,” you picked six jeans out of the pile. “Which one?”  
  
“Darkest,” she pointed. “Wear the black sweater I like,”   
  
“Am I going on a date with you or Steve?” you asked, looking suspicious to her face. She was being the boss when it comes to sharing ideas.  
  
“You wish it was me,” she said, looking to her red nail polish on her nails. She looked better when she was just sitting on that chair than you do on a date night.  
    
“I really don’t,” you answered as you tugged your sweater in your jeans. You took your leather jacket from the closet and wore your black sneakers.   
  
“Break a leg!” Nat yelled when you walked out of the room, she hoped there would be no broken legs, you deserved having a night out with the guy you were attracted after everything that happened.  
  
“I’ve been waiting for the past fifteen minutes,” Steve opened the door right at that second, you couldn’t have time to pull your hand from the door.   
  
“I am not late and I am not going to quote Clarisse Renaldi,” you exclaimed. He had no idea how hard it was to pick a jean.   
  
“You meant, her majesty, right?” he smirked as he watched the shock in your face. “I watched it,”   
  
“Traitor!” you whined. He was supposed to watch it with you. “Can’t believe you watched it without me,”   
  
“We can watch the second one together, by the way, what did you pick us to watch?”  
  
“Cringy love story. Kids have cancer. Romance,” you summed the John Green’s book. He frowned knowing from cancer and the kids, he would cry. “I will enjoy watching you weep,” you added, smirking like a true torturer.  
  
“Not gonna happen this time,” he said, opening the door for you. Both of you were so busy teasing each other, you didn’t realise the man who watched you as you walked away together. Bucky was trying to breathe regularly when he heard about to date from Steve, that morning. “It’s really great pal,” he fakely congratulated his best friend in the gym. He started sweating more but not because of the exercising, because of the thought of what was happening. He cursed himself again with the look in Steve’s face. Steve was happy, he was beaming. “Just like you wanted,” Bucky mumbled to himself and started running on the treadmill again. This was just what he wanted to want once and there was nothing he could do to stop. He had to let it happen.  
  
  



	7. THE PREY AND THE PREDATOR

Bucky felt your warmness on his body and smiled. Your head was on his chest and your legs were tangled to his. Such a bliss. “Aren’t you tired of this?” you whispered as you nuzzled your nose to his neck. “Tired of what?” he asked, looking at your sleeping face. Finally, you were calm. “Of fighting,” you yawned like a cat to his face. “Fighting with your feelings.”  You trailed your finger up and down on his chest and murmured like a cat to his ear. “Why didn’t you let us just experience this every morning?” you whined and Bucky woke up sweating like a pig.

“Great,” he said in. As if it wasn’t enough that he was thinking about touching you, he had to dream about that too. He tried but could not shake the warmth of your touch from his body and jumped into the shower to wake himself up with cold water. He couldn’t stop thinking about the date you had with Steve last night. It was infuriating. The possibilities. He wondered how it went but he was too fragile to hear about it. On the one hand, he wished that you were happy. Both Steve and you. On the other hand, he wouldn’t mind if you decided you and Steve were too different to work it out. Bucky cursed himself for everything. All he had to do was to say yes when you confessed and now he’d be the one you went on a date. All it would’ve taken was an “I like you too,” yet he failed even talking about what he felt. He missed your smart mouth. The way you get competitive over video games. How you left the kitchen in disgust whenever someone cooked mushrooms. “I hate the smell,” you whined to him once, when he followed you out. “It’s unbearable,”  
  
He even missed the way you hated things or complain when you had to work out. Bucky missed the serene days of his life. The mornings when he woke up to your voice in the kitchen, the way he beat you in your game. He sighed and fell asleep on the couch, hoping that you would forgive him.

* * *

The movie theatre was filled with people. Every seat was taken. You hoped it would be empty so that you could talk during the movie. Bad habit, you knew but you couldn’t stop. Steve was so surprised when you started crying during the funeral scene. It was so touching, the way Gus accepted his own death, you couldn’t help but weep. You knew you lost the bet, Steve’s eyes were drier than ever before. He was prepared to hold his tears for tonight.  
  
He pulled you into his chest with his arm and let you cry there, again. “That’s so sad,” you talked. A guy from the back hushed you. “Sorry pal, she is going through some hard time,” Steve apologized. “She can have a hard time outside,” he warned the two of you.  Steve looked at your face to see if you wanted to get out of there and you nodded. Your aim was to make him cry but your hormones were taking control of your reactions again. Period. Worst five days of your week.  
  
He handed you a tissue as he held your hand to lead you in the dark. Steve was trying too hard to keep his cool but he was not going to miss the chance of getting close. “I am sorry,” you sniffed to the tissue, letting his hand go.   
  
“Hormones,” you rolled your eyes. So you were not sad over the mysterious topic again, he thought, feeling relieved. Steve hoped that you were getting over whatever made you sad that much. He wanted to ask about it but it would only remind you of the pain so he hushed the questions in his mind.  
  
“So you cried first,” he put his hands into his pockets and smirked. “I guess I won?”  
  
“I literally cried my eyes out there and you are thinking about winning Steve? Rude,”  
  
“You picked the movie,” he shrugged. “You should have known better,”  
  
“I was not expecting this from a teenager movie, okay? He came to his own fake funeral. And, and that eulogy? FUCKING HEARTBREAKING,” you exclaimed.  
    
“Next time, remind me to stop you when you want to watch sad movies on your period,” he chuckled. “Next time,” you thought. Steve liked hinting little things like this, so he wanted to have another date. With you. You just watched him as he talked and didn’t understand a word he said. He was radiating, dazzling. And the possibility of the next date took your mind to outer space but Steve brought it back. “Did you hear a word I just said?” he asked, you looked completely lost. You were not sad, he could see that but you were lost in thoughts.   
  
“Do you have to be so perfect?” you blurted out what you thought right there.   
“What?” he asked, he was baffled with your question. “What are you even talking about?”  
  
“You are the perfect example of everything,” you started talking without thinking. You thought enough for everyone all your life. This time, you wanted to let it go. “Can you be a dick?” you whispered. “I wanna see if I like you because you are perfect or I like you just because you are wh-?”  
  
“I am?” Steve asked not letting you finish your sentence and licking his lips in excitement. He couldn’t believe what was happening. He waited and waited for you to see him and for once, you saw him. Not that he felt perfect, he was far from being perfect. Steve was a hundred-year-old man without the basic ability of a kid. He didn’t know how to talk about his feelings. When it comes to you, his sassy side just fade away. And the excitement? He marched in his room all day thinking, suffering, about this date. It took him three outfits to decide what to wear and comparing how stunning you looked, he was incredibly ordinary.  
  
“You are you. Perfectly you. With crying during movies and having a tissue in your pocket during a date and dodging my water attacks every time,”  
  
“Can I give you a secret?” Steve asked, leaning into you. “I have absolutely no idea how to be a dick,”  
  
You dropped your shoulders and started laughing like a maniac. Your eyes were still wet with the tears you spilt and he made you laugh. Even in that situation, he managed to make you laugh. “I know Steve, I know,” he hugged you from your shoulders, saying nothing about the “I like you,” part. He wanted to be sure of your feelings, that didn’t mean he would play with you, he wanted you to repeat it again. But he was not sure if he could resist the idea of saying it back. He imagined what would you do if he said he liked you too and even with the thought of it his heartbeat went faster.  
  
“She said she liked me,” Steve said to Bucky as soon as he shut the door. Bucky was laying on his bed, on his stomach. His right cheek was squished under him. He didn’t look like happy but it was rare to see him happy either way.   
  
“That’s great!” Bucky faked his excitement. He was feeling sick with what he just heard. How could you move on that fast? Were you faking it to hurt him? He hoped that you were doing this to hurt him, that meant you still had feelings for Bucky. He so desperate, he would gladly accept your hate. He would fight for you to change the hate to love. He sighed trying to look joyful. A failed attempt.  
  
“Do you think I should tell her that I like her too?”  
  
“Do you think I’m the best one to be the love guru in the compound? I haven’t dated anyone for like a thousand years Steve,”  
  
“Why don’t you date anyone then?” Steve asked and felt disappointed. He wanted Bucky to be as excited as he was but Bucky was responsive to his excitement.  
  
“Because you are dating her,” Bucky wanted to say. He wished to confess. This guilt was eating him alive but he didn’t know what you were truly feeling for sure. When you confessed it, he blocked your feelings by putting Steve on the line. When you finally moved on, he refused to believe. Bucky was the worst version of himself. He was messing it up even when he didn’t intend to. “I should just forget her,” he advised to himself but he was not someone who would take advice.   
  
“Wait a little for that, you lovesick puppy,” Bucky mocked his best friend. The later was better. For him and maybe for you. Maybe you would give up on Steve and gave Bucky a shot? But how was that gonna happen? Bucky didn’t want to hurt Steve’s feelings in the beginning and he wouldn’t hurt Steve later too. There was no escape from it. Bucky felt like he was holding both Steve and your hands and pulling you into a maze. It was a dark, dangerous maze. And perhaps he was both the predator and the prey. 


	8. INTIMACY

After the date and the tiny confession that escaped from your lips, things were calmer between you and Steve. There was no rush like before. You understood each other without saying certain words out loud. This was a comfort you never had with someone you flirted with. He was dependable, stable and that made you drawn into him. You were not looking for uncertainty, you liked knowing where things were going. It was not exaggeration when you thought how that night removed an invisible between you and him. It was more intimate and tender. You were comfortably touching each other and it was more than just friendship, anyone could realise. The soft grabbing on your arms when he was just passing by, the occasional hair stroking and conversations only you two could understand. He was not scared to touch you anymore and he knew he could run to you when he felt like it. There was an ease, a warm feeling coming along with being this close to someone.Yet, he still had a question worth million dollars. A question that you wish you never heard.

You googled tips for overcoming a heartbreak multiple times before and sobbed your eyes out. What Bucky and you had was not a relationship officially but it felt close to one. You had to cut him off from your life, just like you would do to an ex and moved on from him. Bucky Barnes did not get to spend one more second with you. Not after how he broke your heart. He was inconsiderate of what he had done to you, you could see that in his eyes.He thought his feelings were more important. That was cruel. You were feeling everything at once when someone asked about him and there were more questions to come. Steve was not blind, he knew something was off between you and Bucky but he could not name it. You expected him to ask questions but it was one of those things you could never be prepared to.  
  
And faking a relationship with Bucky disgusted you even for the sake of Steve’s suspicion. You were barely sitting on the same table as him and can not help but notice how he glared at you and Steve, and you knew what he thought. You knew him enough to sense how he was still trying to figure out if this relationship was something that you built out of resentment and maybe it was, at first. But Steve was above everything you had with Bucky. He was a second chance you had and you were not going to blew it because of vengeance.  
  
“Why don’t you talk to Bucky anymore?” Steve asked, he was sitting on the floor, between your legs and you were supposed to give him a back massage. He dropped the question like a bomb and felt how your hands stopped moving when you heard Bucky’s name. Something was going on but he did not know what was it. He could not put his finger on it.   
  
“Life got in our way, I think,” you answered, feeling grateful that Steve could not see your face. Whenever you lied, you felt like people would understand it by just looking at you.

“So there is no problem between you two?” he insisted on the unpleasant topic. You were inseparable with Bucky before and he wanted to know if he was the reason behind it. Since the day you went on a date, Bucky was distant towards everyone. There were no fights, no bickering. Nothing. There was a huge gap between you two and sometimes Bucky felt like it was big enough to swallow his whole world. And silence.  _Deafening silence._  
  
“Is this a way to stall me from taking care of you Cap?” you playfully asked, trying to hide the shakiness of your voice. “Hmm, why don’t you let anyone take care of you?” you mumbled, hoping that this would distract him. Focusing on his problems would take his mind away from Bucky, you thought as you ran your fingers along his neck and squeezed his shoulders with all your strength and a moan escaped from his lips. You were good at making him relax.

“I like taking care of everyone,” he answered, forgetting what was the question he asked. He liked providing safety for people just as how Tony liked providing money or a place to stay. Steve knew how it felt to be the weakest one and he wished no one ever felt that way so he kept protecting or saving other people. Like he did with you. When you thought you hit the rock bottom, he showed you how life was not just about suffering. The pain was inevitable but that did not mean you had other things to hold onto. He was right there, in front of you to grab you each time you collapsed. He became the ladder for you to climb where you were before. Steve liked saving people. He just did.  
  
“Just because you like something doesn’t mean it’s right for you, though,” you gently rubbed the knots on his back using your fingertips. Steve was melting under your touch. Not that he was touch starved or anything, he savoured your touch because of the thought underneath it. The fact that you realised how tired he was and how no one saw it other than you made it so important for him. Sure, the super-soldier serum was handling everything physical but Steve was drained mentally. He was one of those people who kept going and going until someone grabbed their shoulders and told them to stop. And no one would say stop to the rescuer, they would just take and take from him until he had nothing to offer.   
  
“Just because I am a little tired doesn’t mean I should stop though,” he retorted, making you angry. He never cut himself some slack or gave himself credit. You squeezed one of the knots with no mercy and he slipped under your touch, yelping. “You are not just tired,” you talked back to him as he faced you. “You are giving from yourself and I don’t want to witness the day when you have nothing,”

There was a gleam in his eyes because you were saying the things that he could not and would not and that made his heart drummed in anticipation. Steve Rogers hoped that he would always have you by his side and he rested his head on your leg, purring like a cat.

“I don’t know what would I do if I stopped,” he confessed, you were holding your breath. You wanted to hold his hand and squeeze. “You will find out,” you wanted to say but this was his moment. He was opening up to someone who would not get angry at him because he wished he was not responsible for everything. Steve always kept his feelings private about being a full-time soldier yet he was there, opening his heart to you and that was a moment you would stay speechless. You did not know enough to give him any kind of comfort. Nothing could make things easier for him. “What would I do as a job, if I stopped?” he asked for your opinion.   
  
“Hmm, maybe you would start drawing again?” you suggested, that would be a good way to start over for him.  
  
“About what? War?” he joked. He felt like all he had in his mind was either war or fight. Destruction, to be exact.  
  
“You could draw anything that you _liked_ ,”  
  
“In that case, I can think of something,” he murmured as he looked in your eyes and you wished he would just kiss you there.


	9. NOTHING

Bucky screamed, begged to you to let him in internally. To drop your invisible shield and let him know what was going on in your head. You were standing there face to face and he could not read anything from your eyes. Nothing. No tears, no snarled lips, no sassy comments. Just a dead look on your face and silence you would give to a stranger on the street. You were trying to catch your breath after running to the jet. You were stabbed, gently and when Steve told you to go and take care of your wound, you did not hesitate. He liked taking care of you and protecting you and who were you to take that away from him? He watched your back as you ran to the jet, trying to protect from any harm that could come. Not a minute later, you found Bucky walking in, his hands were lifted up. “I am hurt too,” he lied to get another minute with you. He needed that private minute. 

Bucky walked to you and stood right next to your face. Both sweaty, in mud and blood and you, were holding Steve’s backpack in your hand. Chests rising up and down, so fast that it burned your throat. He lifted his hand and touched your face with his fingertips. No fluttering on your eyelashes from fear. Yet you closed your eyes the second he touched to your eyelids. Maybe you trusted him enough to close your eyes or maybe you knew he would touch just there. Slowly he made it to your cheeks. Brushing your face with his fingers. Bucky wanted to have that effect on you, he wanted to see a reaction.

You wanted to lean in, to let him touch you however he liked. You wanted him to ruin you however he liked. But that was the thing about pain, it constantly reminded itself. Or that was not the pain but your pride, what was left of it. Whenever you tried to forgive him or even just decided to be friends you heart punched the inside of your ribs and made you crawl in pain. You could not let him in. Bucky hurtfully smiled when he saw Steve’s backpack in your hand, full of your clothes. You liked changing your clothes right after the missions and Steve always packed for them a night before. How cute, Bucky thought. He didn’t know if he would do the same for you. Would he take care of you as Steve did or would he just let it all go?

“I guess I will never know what kind of a couple we would make,” he whispered, trying so hard not to ruffle your hair.

You tilted your head so his thumb was touching your lips, affectionate and delicate. He never went that far with you before that incident. Before he happened to your relationship. He could not help but ruining things. Bucky was one of those people who saw the end of relationships before they even began. And he pushed everyone away when he got the chance. He was both attracted to you and he still pushed you away. The urge to protect himself from any heartbreaks was stronger than his feelings. This was it.

“I guess you will never know,” you answered, still no feelings on your face. You would rather get stabbed than to give him a reaction. Bucky was feeding off from everything you have been doing anyway and he did not need any further encouragement. He was creeping behind you and Steve and observing you just enough to steal your moments and make creepy artworks with it. Bucky Barnes did not accept it but he was the creepy stalker and your hands were tied up because you knew what that would do to their friendship if Steve knew. “I guess you will never know,“ you repeated again. "And that is your punishment Bucky,” you answered, giving him a piece of your mind.

He would never know how would it feel to touch you however he liked. To make you happy like no one ever did. And that would haunt him forever. The fact that he never gave it a chance. He would never know. He looked in your eyes, looking like he was wounded as if you punched his crotch again. His hand was frozen in front of your face but he was not touching you anymore. You were over with him. You were there, in front of him but he did not exist in the same reality as you which was the truth. You were different. He was different. Everything was different. You were still holding Steve’s backpack in your hand with the things he had packed for you and you were almost sure he packed something sweet with strawberries. You could taste it. He would wander around in the grocery store to find something that has strawberries in it that you haven’t tried before. That was how cute and lovable Steve was. He liked making you happy, he liked seeing your reaction when you opened up the package and give him a tight hug, screaming in joy. A big bear hug. Bucky was not living in the same reality as you because he was too busy creating a second dimension for himself where everything went accordingly to what he wished. But real life did not work like that, it was so much more.

You took a step back from his gaze and gave one last look in his eyes. That was enough for him. You both knew that from that moment Bucky would get help to stop obsessing over you. He just pulled his hand and put it in his pocket. And that moment you both knew it was over for good.

 


	10. MOVING ON

“Would you like to move in with me?” you asked Steve as he rested his head on your tummy. He lifted his head up and looked at you with his blue eyes. He looked even prettier under the sunlight. He was smiling with the idea but you could hear the thoughts in his head. It was quite early for living together but living with others in here did not really leave any room for privacy and you both would love some of that. The idea of being just two of you, having breakfast just two of you, making out on the couch and not being afraid of someone would walk on you.

“What do you mean?” he hummed, you could feel the vibration of his cheeks on your stomach. He sure liked to hear the grumbles coming from your stomach first thing in the morning.

“I feel like if we had our own place, we would feel more like a couple,”

“But we already share a room,” he shot an apologetic smile and kissed your clothed stomach.  He was right, either he was in your room or you were in his when you didn’t have missions. He spared two drawers for you and voluntarily shared his clothes with you. You burst into tears when you found a new toothbrush in his bathroom. Steve Rogers was the most thoughtful man you have ever met and you did not care the way you realized his worth. With or without Bucky’s push, Steve was a gem you were lucky to find.

“It’s okay if you don’t want it, Steve,” you assured him. If he was not okay with moving in together, you were not going to put any pressure on him. Things were already good enough without living in the same house. You just wanted Steve more to you. Sharing intimate moments in the living room, laundry room and everywhere. Not that you did not like your other roommates, you loved each one of them. You just did not want anyone to meddle with your time with him.

“It’s not that I don’t want it,” he slowly made his way between your breasts and dug his nose there. Your boobs had a new job now, they were being a comfy seat for Steve’s head. “I feel like if we both move out from here to a new house, it would be a lot of changes and I don’t want that to break us apart,”

Steven Grant Rogers was the most thoughtful person on earth, again. He would love to move out with you as much as you did, you could read that from his face but he knew what change would bring along. You would get stressed about picking new furniture, he would be annoyed that there were always other people in the house, fixing stuff and everything. And then, he really did not know how to be alone. What if you started to pick fights with each other because there was nothing else to do?  Steve did not want to fix something that was not broken.

“You are being perfect again,” you warned him and trailed your finger along his face. He needed to get up in ten minutes and he woke you up to cuddle in the morning before the busy schedule separate you from him. That was the most selfish thing he had ever done. To wake you up early to spend a little time before the world started to butt in.

“I don’t know how to be anything else,” he murmured on your lips as he kissed you deeply.

“We don’t have time for making out,” you warned him as he sighed. He would like to have time for making out and for more. “I will see you later,” you told him and he got up, leaving you alone to sleep again.

It was a week after that conversation when Steve asked you out on a date. To his new apartment.

“So you moved out?” you asked as he took you on a house tour. It was a two bedroom apartment with an open kitchen. He never told you that he would move out. He knew you both needed somewhere for your relationship and it only took him a day to find a new apartment and pick up some furniture. Steve could not wait for you to be in that house, sitting on his dinner table and filling the house with your presence.

“I did,” he answered. “So that we will have some privacy but we won’t have to make any big changes just yet,”

Steve, the god of meeting in the middle. He knew what you wanted and he gave you just that. No big commitments, no promises. Just a couple of nights here and when you needed some alone time, you would always have somewhere to go back.

“So I get to stay here?” You touched to his bed cover. Soft. Black. Finally no red carpets.

He chuckled. “No, god, of course not. That’s a sin. Keep it in your pants woman,” he made you giggle as you laid on his bed. Not after two months, you were living in that house together. Sometimes a painful push was all it took. And you would not take anything that led you to his side.


End file.
